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Tuesday, August 26, 2014
You want to be a Perfect Kenyan Wife?
This is what you need to keep Top of Mind , paper and pen please;
First be open to the fact that Kenyan men are naturally polygamous and will either cheat on you or be brave enough to marry more wives after you (and expect you to understand too), But if you are a second wife or the other woman who became wife no worries, your medicine will soon be served back to you.
Secondly have babies, as many as you both agree but be sure any signs of weight gain or hanging bellies and you will be (refer to number one). This includes Perky boobs (saa sita), no long boobs, or samosa boobs please. What on earth do you expect him to do with boobs that have been suckled by his babies to shapelessness? they don't turn him on!!
Third please know that you will never be a great career woman, great wife and great mother , he will always remember the house girl cooked his meal :( or say you are talking to him like one of your employees or staff. Yeap!! Or if a House wife he will always discuss with his colleagues (professional women in short skirts, high heels and perfectly long manicured tips) How he wishes he had help, he would be so so much further in personal assets development .. Soon, they will have a connection. She speaks his language, earns like him, understands professional challenges, is dressed the part. Connection. Please, he will never respect your hustle, No way. The comment would always be, it is not consistent or stable enough for any decent anything. He still has to do everything for you. So Girlfriend, never expect any respect on any front because of your "Greatness" .Its a crutch.
Fourth Be supportive and appreciative. Yes he will ascend the ladder employed or in business, he will move up to middle class or even higher and of course He will spend on you and on his children, but But dear lady he will expect you to not question his ever diminishing family values. In fact he will say "you never appreciate all i do" "you just focus on my mistakes" "I thought we talked about that and i said am sorry" Never mind that this will happen on Wednesday and by Friday he is back to it.Smile and say Thank you when he gives you salon money for your Brazilian weave.
Fifth Note this special species; If he started out drinking his beer every Friday well be prepared. It will now be Friday, Saturday and poor you, you may be seeing the guy on Monday. He will crush car after car after car into static and moving targets. He will have many nights of sleeping in the car in the parking lot (never mind that the watchmen have turned these escapades to hilarious night time drive by movies). Tuck away your embarrassment. When the neighbors security calls you that he went into their gate instead and crushed into their car please just wake up at 3.30 am, wrap your maasai shuka on you and go collect him as you promise to sort it out with the said neighbor when the sun is out. Oooh, tip the watchman for helping you carry him to the house, and hopefully his silence.
Sixth The church is not spared either wife, He is your husband and we all saw how pure white the wedding was. But Darling, He is Gods property. Expect him to have deep sharing moments with distraught wives over 1,2,3,4,5 above. Then endless coffee meetings, some prayer sessions here and there and Boom! Midnight distress calls. Hah!! you thought he is a good man, well a good man is hard to find and we cannot hoard him. Share.
Seventh is Financial Fidelity. As A perfect Kenyan wife remember to declare your wealth every month and how you spend your money, you do not want to be accused of stashing. Yes, even your hustle income. But do not expect the same from him after all (Fourth)
Eighth. The mother of it all is the S3x. Give guuurrrl give it! Flip It! Turn It! Grind it! Lick it! Suck it! Like it has "On Sale" tag on it. Then as you shower remember the (First).
Now Go be perfect Wife. Kenyan men demand no less than...
First be open to the fact that Kenyan men are naturally polygamous and will either cheat on you or be brave enough to marry more wives after you (and expect you to understand too), But if you are a second wife or the other woman who became wife no worries, your medicine will soon be served back to you.
Secondly have babies, as many as you both agree but be sure any signs of weight gain or hanging bellies and you will be (refer to number one). This includes Perky boobs (saa sita), no long boobs, or samosa boobs please. What on earth do you expect him to do with boobs that have been suckled by his babies to shapelessness? they don't turn him on!!
Third please know that you will never be a great career woman, great wife and great mother , he will always remember the house girl cooked his meal :( or say you are talking to him like one of your employees or staff. Yeap!! Or if a House wife he will always discuss with his colleagues (professional women in short skirts, high heels and perfectly long manicured tips) How he wishes he had help, he would be so so much further in personal assets development .. Soon, they will have a connection. She speaks his language, earns like him, understands professional challenges, is dressed the part. Connection. Please, he will never respect your hustle, No way. The comment would always be, it is not consistent or stable enough for any decent anything. He still has to do everything for you. So Girlfriend, never expect any respect on any front because of your "Greatness" .Its a crutch.
Fourth Be supportive and appreciative. Yes he will ascend the ladder employed or in business, he will move up to middle class or even higher and of course He will spend on you and on his children, but But dear lady he will expect you to not question his ever diminishing family values. In fact he will say "you never appreciate all i do" "you just focus on my mistakes" "I thought we talked about that and i said am sorry" Never mind that this will happen on Wednesday and by Friday he is back to it.Smile and say Thank you when he gives you salon money for your Brazilian weave.
Fifth Note this special species; If he started out drinking his beer every Friday well be prepared. It will now be Friday, Saturday and poor you, you may be seeing the guy on Monday. He will crush car after car after car into static and moving targets. He will have many nights of sleeping in the car in the parking lot (never mind that the watchmen have turned these escapades to hilarious night time drive by movies). Tuck away your embarrassment. When the neighbors security calls you that he went into their gate instead and crushed into their car please just wake up at 3.30 am, wrap your maasai shuka on you and go collect him as you promise to sort it out with the said neighbor when the sun is out. Oooh, tip the watchman for helping you carry him to the house, and hopefully his silence.
Sixth The church is not spared either wife, He is your husband and we all saw how pure white the wedding was. But Darling, He is Gods property. Expect him to have deep sharing moments with distraught wives over 1,2,3,4,5 above. Then endless coffee meetings, some prayer sessions here and there and Boom! Midnight distress calls. Hah!! you thought he is a good man, well a good man is hard to find and we cannot hoard him. Share.
Seventh is Financial Fidelity. As A perfect Kenyan wife remember to declare your wealth every month and how you spend your money, you do not want to be accused of stashing. Yes, even your hustle income. But do not expect the same from him after all (Fourth)
Eighth. The mother of it all is the S3x. Give guuurrrl give it! Flip It! Turn It! Grind it! Lick it! Suck it! Like it has "On Sale" tag on it. Then as you shower remember the (First).
Now Go be perfect Wife. Kenyan men demand no less than...
Monday, August 25, 2014
The Cosby Rant, Valid.
They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....
I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
~Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Crazy Bitch?
Husbands here is a mwakenya for you; Those wives you claim are craaaazy, well they did not start of like that right? They were warm, huggy, cuddly pretty pussy cats you just loved talking to for hours on end. But like genius and insanity there is a small doze of a bitch in every female. By your actions, inactions , words, silence, you nurture this beast. You feed them and pet the bitch within every time you break her trust or relegate her to something you use for your self or for baby making and baby caring. Then of course you will apologize... you know y'all so great at that
(By the way you cannot make it alright with your tool, its not really a pacifier). But the beast has grown one more tooth for every hurt, every tear, every fight...every silent treatment. Every resentment, every contempt...
Do not lie to yourself, that ice cold, baby focused, chama and weddings spendthrift you have, who does not notice whether you come or go, you created them.You wonder why she laughs endlessly while on a call and always texting and whatsaaping yet she has not uttered to you a word for past 3 days? Oh and they cheat on you too because again Nature Abhors a vacuum.
She is Evidence of who you really are as a man by her character. Your wife is your handiwork, your product, your workmanship. You feel like you deserve to be king well look at your "kingdom"
(By the way you cannot make it alright with your tool, its not really a pacifier). But the beast has grown one more tooth for every hurt, every tear, every fight...every silent treatment. Every resentment, every contempt...
Do not lie to yourself, that ice cold, baby focused, chama and weddings spendthrift you have, who does not notice whether you come or go, you created them.You wonder why she laughs endlessly while on a call and always texting and whatsaaping yet she has not uttered to you a word for past 3 days? Oh and they cheat on you too because again Nature Abhors a vacuum.
She is Evidence of who you really are as a man by her character. Your wife is your handiwork, your product, your workmanship. You feel like you deserve to be king well look at your "kingdom"
The Sexy Male Man
I still Insist, There is something absolutely sexxay about a man who comes home
(from hunting) with raw meat (kutoka Butchery ama kuku kutoka Ushago) smelling of sweat and blood (from hardwork), ripped muscles tingling (stick to the gym, hakuna fat hunters, they will be eaten by Lions in CBD) . ohhh sema Karibu Nyumbani mzee wangu
(Babes is no name to call a hunter ) and lifts you shoulder high into some paradise ama sunset
(replace with any travel destination) to claim you as his !!! Now that is Sexaay!!!!
Sunday afternoon Fantasies
(from hunting) with raw meat (kutoka Butchery ama kuku kutoka Ushago) smelling of sweat and blood (from hardwork), ripped muscles tingling (stick to the gym, hakuna fat hunters, they will be eaten by Lions in CBD) . ohhh sema Karibu Nyumbani mzee wangu
(Babes is no name to call a hunter ) and lifts you shoulder high into some paradise ama sunset
(replace with any travel destination) to claim you as his !!! Now that is Sexaay!!!!
Sunday afternoon Fantasies
Our " Missionary" is the Best though
Cheers to all the good men out there, Husbands who stay despite the hormones and being financially exploited (my money is mine but yours is ours).
Hats off for all the times you choose to keep quiet when we are running our mouths or retreated into the silent treatment.
Hugs and kisses for every time you watch porn and still have to act like our missionary is the best thing ever. We love you for suffering through the diaper changes and errands in the middle of the night.
Cheers for every sob female story you have heard of Men being dogs and working so hard to listen or be seen to be listening.
Thank you for putting up with our sisters and some even "the girls" always harassing you
(Maybe you enjoy it ). Good men may not be easy to find, Men generally may not stay, But because you have Mad Respect.
Hats off for all the times you choose to keep quiet when we are running our mouths or retreated into the silent treatment.
Hugs and kisses for every time you watch porn and still have to act like our missionary is the best thing ever. We love you for suffering through the diaper changes and errands in the middle of the night.
Cheers for every sob female story you have heard of Men being dogs and working so hard to listen or be seen to be listening.
Thank you for putting up with our sisters and some even "the girls" always harassing you
(Maybe you enjoy it ). Good men may not be easy to find, Men generally may not stay, But because you have Mad Respect.
Thank You
I am thankful.
So thankful.
For Every little thing in my life
For Every person who walks across my path
For Every assignment that passes through my hands
For Every heart I hold in love
For Every Life that's in my charge
I am thankful for the grace and the favor
I am thankful for the strength everyday
Thank you.
So thankful.
For Every little thing in my life
For Every person who walks across my path
For Every assignment that passes through my hands
For Every heart I hold in love
For Every Life that's in my charge
I am thankful for the grace and the favor
I am thankful for the strength everyday
Thank you.
The Richest Man (Woman) (In Babylon & could be You)
FIRST CURE: Start thy purse to fattening.
The stream of money that flows into and out of one's life is immense. Wealth and security can be secured from it, but only if portions of that stream are diverted. Time and again, the book's "enlightened" characters stress saving at least ten percent of your income every month, without fail. Accomplish this by setting aside that ten percent before all other expenses are considered.
"But when I began to take out from my purse but nine parts of the ten I put in," Arkad said, "it began to fatten. So will thine."
SECOND CURE: Control thy expenditures.
The amount of money a person makes is important, but it is secondary to the degree to which that person controls his expenses. Budget and plan your expenses earnestly. Demand value for the dollars you spend.
"That what each of us calls our 'necessary expenses' will always grow to equal our incomes unless we protest to the contrary," Arkad stated. "Confuse not the necessary expenses with thy desires."
THIRD CURE: Make thy gold multiply.
Three words: interest, interest, interest. Take care to see that all saved monies are kept in the highest-yield interest-bearing accounts available. If you have the experience and education to do so, invest a portion of your money by other means, always striving to create a reasonable risk/reward ratio.
"A man's wealth is not in the coins he carries in his purse; it is the income he buildeth. That is what thou desireth: an income that continueth to come whether thou work or travel."
FOURTH CURE: Guard thy treasures from loss.
Forget about gunning for those astronomical returns promised by market gurus and their "hot tips." And don't bother with those wacky startup businesses you see boxed in the classified ads, either. If you're going to take risks and invest your money, then make sure you have the education to know how to guard and protect your assets. Only you can keep your best interests at the forefront. Your savings control your future; treat them like it.
"The first sound principle of investment is security for thy principal. The penalty of risk is probable loss. Study carefully, before parting with thy treasure, each assurance that it may be safely reclaimed. Be not misled by thine own desires to make wealth rapidly."
FIFTH CURE: Make of thy dwelling a profitable investment.
In most cases, home ownership — even when financing is included — is preferable to renting. At some point, the mortgage payments will end, and ownership will be achieved. There is no ownership for the renter ... ever.
"Thus come many blessings to the man who owneth his own house. And greatly will it reduce his cost of living, making available more of his earnings for pleasures and the gratification of his desires."
SIXTH CURE: Insure a future income.
The future cannot be known, but preparations can be taken to assure a certain level of financial safety. Whether this is done via a strict savings plan, outside insurance, or a combination of both, one must be careful to provide for the wellness of himself and his loved ones in later years. Disability and untimely death have caught and ruined families and their finances since time immemorial.
"No man can afford not to insure a treasure for his old age and the protection of his family, no matter how prosperous his business and investments may be."
SEVENTH CURE: Increase thy ability to earn.
Last among Clason's "cures" is action taken to increase one's earnings. Acquire education, experience, and confidence in yourself, and use these things to improve your income. You might begin a second, part-time job, or simply freelance your abilities in your spare time. Whatever you do, never underestimate the opportunity to turn a favorite hobby or skill (woodworking, photography, home decorating, cooking, etc.) into extra income.
"The more of wisdom we know, the more we may earn. The man who seeks to learn more of his craft shall be richly rewarded. Cultivate thy own powers, study and become wiser, become more skillful, and act as to respect thyself."
Long Distance Love Traps
I know,I know Long distance marriages are mostly not a very easy thing. But If you have a marriage and family you value, honey you are losing more than anything you are gaining. Trust me.
That time and distance spent from your spouse and children you can never recover. Ask Mandela.
The vacuum you leave will be filled with something or someone. This something or someone grows into your spouses head ,body and heart.
When you are back for a week or two or a weekend everyone is tiptoeing in the name of love around each other. Doing dinners and shopping, small talk nothing deep that might result into an argument . Not a problem but my view is;
Relationships grow when it stops being about I can't discuss that and moves to let's fight this out because I need you to hear me and or you hurt me. Honest open non kuvumilia just because after all you are supposed to have intensely missed each other.
It's about the little things like showering forever and he is getting late for work or putting toilet seat up or down. Or him eating your food till it gets boring and you have to up your creativity or buy take out.
It's about "I have a headache" , you know when he is around for only 2 weeks or a weekend you Have to put out (there is just so much menses a woman can hide behind)
Marriage even in this digital era cannot be numerous evening phone calls (someone is feeling inconvenienced and a tad irritated by the mandatory conversations) Or whatsapps.
Thing is when you teach people how to live without you, they learn, eventually they learn. And they adapt. They cannot keep unlearning every time you are around for a quickie marriage.
But the lack of an honest connection is what destroys. There is none. No connection intellectual , emotional, physical , financial. No harmony. No rhythm. What I call the dance.
I submit to married couples staying apart in the name of work ; that shit nurtures the little independent demons in your spouses. They come into themselves without you. And soon you are a bills machine and an inconvenience to her plans and space.
For me hata Nakuru haiwes make it. Nairobi county is already too much distance with foxholes.
Your Honest Sincere friend
Mama Mona Na Nelly
Bibi ya Ham.
That time and distance spent from your spouse and children you can never recover. Ask Mandela.
The vacuum you leave will be filled with something or someone. This something or someone grows into your spouses head ,body and heart.
When you are back for a week or two or a weekend everyone is tiptoeing in the name of love around each other. Doing dinners and shopping, small talk nothing deep that might result into an argument . Not a problem but my view is;
Relationships grow when it stops being about I can't discuss that and moves to let's fight this out because I need you to hear me and or you hurt me. Honest open non kuvumilia just because after all you are supposed to have intensely missed each other.
It's about the little things like showering forever and he is getting late for work or putting toilet seat up or down. Or him eating your food till it gets boring and you have to up your creativity or buy take out.
It's about "I have a headache" , you know when he is around for only 2 weeks or a weekend you Have to put out (there is just so much menses a woman can hide behind)
Marriage even in this digital era cannot be numerous evening phone calls (someone is feeling inconvenienced and a tad irritated by the mandatory conversations) Or whatsapps.
Thing is when you teach people how to live without you, they learn, eventually they learn. And they adapt. They cannot keep unlearning every time you are around for a quickie marriage.
But the lack of an honest connection is what destroys. There is none. No connection intellectual , emotional, physical , financial. No harmony. No rhythm. What I call the dance.
I submit to married couples staying apart in the name of work ; that shit nurtures the little independent demons in your spouses. They come into themselves without you. And soon you are a bills machine and an inconvenience to her plans and space.
For me hata Nakuru haiwes make it. Nairobi county is already too much distance with foxholes.
Your Honest Sincere friend
Mama Mona Na Nelly
Bibi ya Ham.
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